one or two?!?

One or two?!? We still don't know yet! What we do know is that we can see one baby nice and clear so far! Going into the ultrasound, my nurse warned us that being early, we wouldn't see much. She said what they were looking for was the number of gestational or amniotic sacs (the large black circles). If we were lucky we'd be able to see a yolk sac (which will later be incorporated into the baby's digestive tract) and possibly the baby. We were able to see one gestational sac right away and the nurse said, "hi baby!" She zoomed in on it and we were able to see a yolk sac and the baby. In the ultrasound pic, the baby resembles the bright white piece of rice and if you see the white circular area around the baby, that's the yolk sac. So far, so good! Everything we MIGHT see, we saw! The baby has implanted right in the center of my uterus, which is a good thing as well. The baby measured 5 weeks, 5 days...which matches up exactly with the first day we tried. The computer calculates my pregnancy based on when my hormone shot was given, which made me 5 weeks , 3 days. The nurse said this early, as long as the pregnancy and the baby's measurements are within a couple of days, they are happy. My estimated due date is June 18!

One baby or two? While the nurse was scanning my uterus for gestational sacs, she noticed a suspicious spot just about the other baby. Its too hard to see in the ultrasound pic (that pic is zoomed in to see more detail), but on the screen there was another black circular area. it wasn't clear like the baby we could see, but it was defined enough for the nurse to draw attention to. Why would we be able to see one baby and not another? The baby doesn't implant in the uterus until about 2 weeks after conception. If the babies implanted on different days, it could have made a difference in the ultrasound. We know I had two eggs released during ovulation. There are multiple possibilities at this point. Both eggs could have released on different days, even though I took only one hormone shot. Also, we were told to try on two separate days, so its possible that the eggs were fertilized on different days, causing them to implant differently. Either way, we will hopefully know how many when we go back on Thursday this week. I haven't had any more bloodwork done since my early levels were on the high side. We might be able to see a heartbeat at this week's appointment too! I have an appointment with my ob/gyn November 4, at which time I'll be almost 8 weeks and we'll have another ultrasound done then...yay! After losing the last two babies, I LOVE being able to keep tabs on this baby (or babies).

We also found out that my ovaries are very swollen right now. The injections I took last month stimulated my ovaries so we could control ovulation. I ended up releasing an egg from each ovary. My high levels of estrogen have not allowed my ovaries to return to their normal size. Right now, they are bigger than my uterus. I had been feeling a lot of lower abdominal pressure (uncomfortable, but not painful). It wasn't cramping or anything that caused me worry. In fact, I thought it was gas pains. Turns out, as my bladder fills up (quite frequently these days), it puts pressure on my ovaries, which is why I am feeling so uncomfortable. My ovaries, bladder and growing uterus are all sharing the same space right now. The nurse didn't act like it was anything for concern, but she did take measurements of one ovary. It was about 58mm (when I ovulated, each was 18-20mm to put that into perspective). Unfortunately, it will take a while for the swelling to go down. Rising levels are so important to my pregnancy, but cause adverse effects on other parts of my body. So for now, I deal with the swelling belly!

Cooter is so proud and excited. We went to a wedding this past weekend and he told anyone and everyone he talked to that I was pregnant. He told most people it was twins too! He secretly wants twins...we lost two, he thinks that would be amazing to get two babies back. We'll see very soon... I'm still so very cautious, but I want to be excited. I have been exhausted lately and for the past 5 days or so I've been feeling so nauseated. I have no appetite, so its hard to want to eat. If I don't eat, I feel sick. When I do eat, I still feel sick for a couple hours. The progesterone I take and what my body makes on top of that causes my food to digest slowly, which leaves me with the full sick feeling in my gut. I end up with about 3-4 hours in the late afternoon/evening that I feel great. It makes me feel very fortunate to not be getting up for work at 3:45am right now. I'm about 6 weeks, 3 days or 6 weeks, 1 day depending which calculation we use. I can't wait for Thursday!

going up...

Well, its been a week of worries, wows and wazoos! Ok, I don't know what a wazoo is, but it sounded fun. Nothing big to worry about...its just always a part of me. It always will be until I have a baby in my arms! Despite the worries, lots of wows to share. So last report I found out that my levels had been climbing nicely so far. I went back last Wednesday for my usual blood draw and war wound, wait for a phone call with results. That day at lunch, I almost choked on my chicken...my levels went from 280 on Monday to 784 on Wednesday! WOW! If you remember, hormone levels should double every 30-48 hours in the first several weeks of pregnancy. Mine were just shy of tripling in 48 hours! Super pumped! So, my appointment Friday was bypassed, seeing as I had already almost reached Friday's expected count and an ultrasound is tentatively scheduled for next Friday. I returned Monday for the same thing. My counts as of Monday were 3,443! I know that seems high, but if you double my numbers every 48 hours, that is right on target. I am on the higher side of the spectrum, but it is a very wide spectrum. My ultrasound is moved up to tomorrow (Thursday). So anxious! I am not nervous as I've been with all previous prenatal ultrasounds. We found out during the first ultrasound that we lost the first baby last July, then the second ultrasound showed we lost the second baby back in March. If anything, I know that the baby is doing well so far based on my hormone levels. I actually like having so many appointments. It really gives me peace of mind knowing every couple of days that the baby is okay. We will hopefully find out tomorrow if there is one baby or two. I'm excited to find that out. I'm still a bit worried that its very early for an ultrasound, but I have to remind myself that my doctors and nurses have gotten me this far, and I need to trust them. I have no idea how to calculate my pregnancy either. Most estimated due dates are calculated based on your last period. If I consider that, then I am only 5 weeks today. My injections caused me to ovulate a week early so if we go from that point in time, I am closer to 6 weeks. Measuring the baby during an early ultrasound can also give me and estimated due date. So much to find out! I counted ahead...if we can make it past Thanksgiving, then I will have past the point that we lost the last baby. Thanksgiving doesn't seem so far away when I think of it that way. Praying every chance we get that this baby is growing and thriving. Updates from the ultrasound soon...

thinking POSITIVE

So we graced the doctor's office with our presence at 8am this past Friday morning for the much awaited pregnancy blood test. The first thing the nurse asked me was if I had taken a home pregnancy test yet. I told her I was too scared. I was also worried it was too early, seeing as I would not be due to start another cycle for a week or so. Blood drawn, we left the office, another cotton ball and band-aid accessorizing my outfit. We would receive a phone call with results as soon as possible. Oh how slow time can move!

Cooter began pacing WAY too much for my anxiety level when we got home, so he went off to work to pretend to be busy and hopefully pass the time. He told me before he went to work that if I wasn't pregnant, he was going to be really mad at his swimmers. I had to laugh a little. Most men don't hold anger against their sperm. In my attempt to stay busy I folded 3 loads of laundry, changed sheets on my bed, washed and cut up a week's worth of fruit, boiled and peeled 15 eggs (I was making deviled eggs for a meeting that night), and managed to catch up on Grey's Anatomy from the night before. Its amazing how productive you can be when you have time to kill! In the midst of my cleaning and cooking spree, I decided to go pee on the one stick left in the medicine cabinet. At this point, I had been awake for almost 4 hours and had already downed several bottles of water. I coached myself to not feel disappointment if it was negative. It wasn't the perfect circumstance to be taking a test, and I reminded myself that it was still quite early. We were already mentally preparing ourselves to deal with that anyway. The test at first glance looked negative, but in the light I noticed a faint cross line. That just brought on more confusion than anything. Suddenly it felt like they would never call with my results. I argued with myself...if there is even the faintest of a line, that means your body is still producing enough hcg to cause the test to react, right? Then I was convinced I was seeing things. I wanted to see it so badly that I was beginning to imagine tiny blue lines. So I did the next best thing...I took a picture with my phone and sent it to Cooter for further examination. His immediate response was that it looked positive to me. I still didn't want false hope. At that point I was actually frustrated that I even took the test in the first place. The aftermath of it all makes me laugh now.

Finally at 10:45 (I was pretty sure those 2 hours and 45 minutes were close to being an eternity), the nurse called. The first words out of her mouth were, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" My blood test was positive!!! I have no idea how far along I am. Calculating an estimated due date the old fashioned way versus my dates with the meds gives me a week or so difference. For now, I return every 2-3 days for blood work to make sure my levels are rising properly.

I went back today and when my nurse called with results, she was very happy. She said everything looks great so far. I will not have any ultrasounds for a couple of weeks because its just too early to see anything yet. My hcg levels should be doubling every 30-48 hours. On Friday, it was 46...today it was 280!!! That puts me somewhere around 4-5 weeks preggo. I go back Wednesday and probably Friday for the same blood work.

To all of my prayer warriors...keep those prayers coming! You all have supported us this far, now we just need this baby to grow, grow, grow! I don't think my nerves will ever be completely calmed. I still haven't let it completely sink in that I'm pregnant. My brain is protecting my heart. I think its understandable though. One day at a time, one prayer at a time...and lord willing, this baby will be in our arms sometime around June!

monthly update

Sometimes they say no news is good news...but for us, no news meant we were still in the process of waiting. Thanks to being abruptly cut off of my injections last month, my body took a beating. For the two weeks following, I experienced a lot of cramping and swelling as my body tried to naturally take care of business. I had at least 6 follicles that measured 16mm or more, and ovaries just aren't made to expand like that! My swelling got so bad for a few days that I couldn't even button pants because my gut was so tender. I actually gave in and took half a vicodin a few nights just to help me sleep...and I wouldn't normally do that. I was so uncomfortable. The injections wreaked havoc on my monthly cycle as well. We patiently counted down the days until my next cycle, which of course, came and went with no signs or symptoms. The start of my next cycle meant we could start meds again.

Some people are reading the last couple of entries thinking, why the hell would you want to do that to yourself again?!? Injections=baby...enough said. I hear all the time, "Oh, I could never do that." Several of our friends shudder at the thought of giving themselves a shot. Then again, none of them have been trying to have a baby for 17 months, and lost 2 along the way. I've really found what I'm made of the past few months. I am far stronger than I ever realized.

Back to the update... Finally, after 48 days, my cycle started. I was beginning to think I was broken! Funny, most women would begin to think they were pregnant by then...not that I didn't take a precautionary pregnancy test, but I was very doubtful of the results, just needed to get it out of my mind. Cooter came home so excited that day. The thought of a husband being overjoyed about his wife's menstrual cycle was amusing to me. Most men dread that time of the month! We see beyond the bitchy days and complaints of cramps and bloating and the fact that there's never enough chocolate in the house for those few days. To us, this was our chance to try again.

I went to the doctor the next day, where they did the routine baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. That is so normal to us now. Cooter and I actually know and understand what we see during the ultrasound. We know what they are measuring and what numbers are considered normal now...as we were incredibly abnormal the month before. We know what the counts mean when they call me with blood results. Its really been quite the educational experience! We were given the go ahead to start injections the next day, September 17. They cut my dose in half this time, which actually made my shots more bearable. I had far less side effects this time. Its still uncomfortable, but completely different. Major prayers were answered financially as well...since we technically had a failed round of injections, Houston Fertility Institute was not going to charge us for this round. We pay 100% out of pocket for this treatment. Also, thanks to the lowered doses of meds, I had enough leftover from last cycle so we didn't have to buy more medication! Since I am not working right now, that was such huge stress removed from the situation.

We returned Monday, Wednesday and Friday the following week for bloodwork and ultrasounds. WIth each visit, we got more nervous as we watched the follicles growing. Especially the visit on Wednesday...that was the same time frame that we got shut down last time. If we could make it past that, there wasn't really a point of return. So we prayed, prayed, prayed for those little eggs to be growing and the rest of the guys to take it easy. Wednesday's visit proved to be good...although we had one little guy that was already approaching 18mm. 18-20mm is considered mature and there is a small window for those follicles to be usable. If we let it go too long, we're in the same boat as conceiving naturally...a post mature egg. Friday's visit was good...we had 2 follicles measuring 19mm...prime suspects! There was another about 14, but the odds of that one catching up weren't great. Typically they want us to have 3-4 eggs to try to conceive a baby, maybe twins. We know that having only 2 mature follicles lowers our odds, but the doctors were so much more comfortable with this situation...as were we. So, I got to stop injections that day. I had completed 8 shots at that point. That night I gave myself an HCG shot (hormone that actually triggers my body into ovulation). We were told when to try and now we're back to waiting. I started progesterone supplements last night and will continue on them for the next 9 days. As of right now, the progesterone is a precaution. The elevated levels of progesterone will help sustain a pregnancy in the early stages. My estrogen count the day of my hormone shot was pretty high, which all plays into me getting and staying pregnant. I have a blood test scheduled for next Friday, October 8. That's the pregnancy test. Tell me that won't be one of the longest days of my life! That's technically a week before my cycle is due to start, but they know what they are doing. I suppose that gives time for subsequent blood tests in the days following if that one should be negative. We are very nervous...but we have done everything the doctor told us to, when they told us to, and how they told us to. My results up to now have been wonderful.

Now its in God's hands...

stopped in our tracks...

The past week I have been enduring the ups and downs associated with self-injectible drugs. Once you get past the thought of sticking yourself with a needle, it becomes relatively routine. I made the mistake the night of the first injection of staying up late and on my feet for quite some time. I came home cramped, nauseated and in pain. I wasn't worried, however, as all of the aforementioned are considered COMMON symptoms. I vowed to take life a little easier the next couple of weeks and try my best to wind down and rest post injection. We went back to the doctor on Wednesday, which meant we had been on the meds for 4 days. My uterine wall was thickening nicely...in fact, we could already see 3 layers (which is perfect!). They measured as many of the follicles as they could see via ultrasound.

A little background...follicles start off the cycle around 6mm on average. Some are even smaller, and won't fully develop in time for ovulation, but still contribute to pregnancy. A mature follicle (ready for release of eggs...ovulation) measures 18-21mm.

They measured one big follicle on my right side...4 days into meds, it was already 15mm! I had 1-2 smaller ones on that side as well...nothing worth mentioning. My left side is another story. When she moved the wand over to the left, a little village of black dots appeared (that's what the follicles look like on the screen). Cooter gasped...as he sees each follicle as a potential baby, although it doesn't necessarily mean that. They measured one at 14mm, one at 12mm, 9mm, and there were several smaller ones around. Those smaller follicles are good to have around because, even though they won't mature before ovulation (or in my case, the hcg hormone shot), they still release hormones, which will help support a pregnancy. If you remember correctly, sustaining a pregnancy is my problem, so the tech was quite happy with those results. As far as the big follicles go, they wanted to see 3-4 mature before giving me my hormone shot. The nurse said she wouldn't be surprised if I was given that shot on Friday, but they would let me know depending on my bloodwork. Later that day, they called and said my estrogen levels were perfect for the size of my follicles, and they wanted to see me back on Friday to measure growth again...a very good sign!

So we went back today...a little nervous, but overall excited. Since my follicles have matured rather rapidly (the last measurements were taken 4 days into meds...they want me to be on them at least 7-10 days), we were hoping that no more follicles had grown past the point of allowing us to move on to the next step. We let the doctor know that selective reduction was not an option for us, and if possible, we didn't want to be put in that position. After speaking with the nurse, we agreed that a twin pregnancy is as risky as we are willing to go for the health of me and the babies. During measurements today, the right side was already at 20mm (only 2 days later), so it was ready to roll. I had a few supporting follicles as well, nothing to worry about. When we saw the left side, even the nurse said, "Whoa!" Almost all of the follicles we had seen on Wednesday had grown...that is exactly what we did NOT want to happen. I had one at 18mm, one at 16mm, and others that ranged from 6mm to 12mm. Having only been on the meds for 6 days, we knew we were starting to walk a thin line. Staying on the meds much longer could cause way too many eggs to be released, and we could possibly cause the few follicles ready to become post-mature. We still left today thinking that we'd be told to do my hormone shot today or tomorrow, based on bloodwork. Excited emotions started running much higher now...

I had been anxiously awaiting the call from the office all day. When I answered, it was my doctor (who usually does not make the follow-up calls). He said everything looked very good, my body was responding to the injections well, so we know it works. Problem is, it works a little too well. He knows we are worried about multiples (over 2). Based on what he saw today from the ultrasound pics, he does not feel comfortable letting me continue with treatment this month. I would need to stay on meds for another 24-48 hours and he is concerned that too many follicles will have time to mature by then, and once we began ovulation we would have way too many eggs. He doesn't want to put us in a position to go against what we want and does not want to jeopardize my health. So we wait...again. Next month, we'll start injections on a very low dose and go from there. Its all a guessing game and putting pieces of a puzzle together. I just pray for answers soon. I was devastated to know that my body did so well all week, and then just feel like we hit a brick wall. Its not like I can't get pregnant. Its not like the medication failed. We have been SO close to making this work. I know its only one month, but to us, its been 15 months and counting. Each set back gets harder. Patience is definitely a virtue. Cooter is bringing home ice cream for us...

Stick with it!

We have waited all summer, but it is finally time to start injections today! Who knew I'd be excited about sticking myself with a needle?!? Oh what a baby will do to your mind! We went to the doctor yesterday and were given the go ahead to begin. I had bloodwork and an ultrasound to get a baseline for the month. They measured a couple follicles from each ovary so we can track the growth in the weeks to follow. If you remember from a previous post, one month I had six active follicles...which fertility speaking, is a very good thing. Yesterday I had NINE! Will they ALL release an egg...no, but it ups my chance of having 3-4 eggs released. Sound crazy, you ask?!? By no means are we trying to have triplets or quadruplets. Every egg released is not always fertilized, or a woman would get pregnant on the first try every time. The odds of all 3-4 eggs becoming babies is like 5%. So, technically there is still a risk, but its a risk willing to be taken...at least at this point. Their reasoning behind wanting that many eggs released is to have more targets to hit. Talk like its a hunting game and Cooter suddenly becomes an investigator. He is beyond worried that I will get pregnant with a litter. His exact wording was..."How do we make sure that she's not going to be delivering babies in a box under the stairs?" LOL.

The meds I will be injecting can be adjusted as needed. I go back in on Wednesday and again on Friday for more ultrasounds and bloodwork. They will measure my follicles again to see the effects of the meds. Too much growth, or too many follicles being stimulated, and I will dial down the injection. I will have approximately 10 days of injections. At the end of that time, they will do one last ultrasound to see how many follicles they believe will release eggs. If it's more than 3-4, we stop there and wait until next month. I PRAY that does not happen. Not only do we have to find the patience within ourselves to keep waiting (its already been almost 15 months), but we start over financially too (not that money will make or break this deal, but its kind of a necessity to keep this operation going!).

I'm excited, anxious, nervous... We need your prayers again. We pray that this medication does the work my body needs. We pray for a healthy opportunity to be able to try for a baby. We pray for a successful try. We will know in less than a month if this worked or not. We pray for patience and understanding no matter what happens in the next 30 days.

Pampered Chef National Conference 2010...and some aha's in life...

Two posts in a month...WOW!

I don't know if it is my motivating return from Pampered Chef's National Conference or just changes in life finally settling in...but I suddenly felt a warm feeling inside me, feeling blessed with the people I have in my life right now, and proud of the way we are living life.

You saying hmmmmm yet?!? So I was sitting here this morning lurking on facebook, looking at old friend's photos, etc. instead of cleaning my bathroom. We're all guilty of such distractions...don't lie! I think most of us have a group of friends from our past that weren't always the best company for you. You may or may not still touch base with them from time to time. Maybe you partied a little too hard for a while, or found yourself living a whole new life with these people. Catching up with such friends or looking through pics lets you relive that life vicariously for a few minutes. Maybe you miss that old lifestyle, maybe you don't... I certainly don't. I am proud of the turns I have taken the past few years in life, so thankful for the people I have come to know, and the decisions I have made. The photos and the people will remain anonymous... My point is, I don't miss the life I HAD...I embrace the one I HAVE.

Off of my soapbox now... So, I just got back from Chicago! I absolutely loved it there...I was quite impressed! I had a wonderful opportunity to travel with my team to attend Pampered Chef's National Conference. This was a huge step for me. Traveling to a new city with people I hardly knew (minus Jen), but I am SO glad I went! I learned new ideas for cooking shows, strategies for working with customers, and wonderful ways to share the business with others. Most of all, I brought back self-confidence. I came home more motivated than ever and believing in myself. I watched fellow teammates and my executive director Jen walk across the stage in front of thousands of people for their accomplishments over the past year. I can't wait to be on that stage! When we made the decision for me to resign from teaching for a while, Pampered Chef became more than just something on the side. Its my full time job now...and I love it! I realized as well, that its not about the money either...although my latest WHY is to make the suburban payment every month (how cool would that be?!?). It is all about believing in myself. I don't know how, but I've been lucky enough to be recognized the last 3 team meetings for my sales accomplishments (which, in my opinion have not been great lately...). That's SO motivating though...and I can and WILL do better! =)

A great friend told me the other night...surround yourself with positive people and positive experiences. Life is all about being told NO and how you deal with it...but that just makes the YES soooo much better!