sharp turns on the road of life...

I had so many wonderful things to post. I was waiting for a momentous reason to begin this post...a new picture of our baby. I wanted to show how much the baby had grown and pass along all of the wonderful stats associated with our pregnancy as we ended the first trimester.

I wanted to post my overwhelming joy at being chosen as Teacher of the Year for my school.

I wanted to send warm wishes to my mom, who received good news following her annual mammogram.

I wanted to congratulate my brother on passing all of his tests and making it through the past 6 months on his journey to become a police officer.

I wanted to share my excitement of becoming a Pampered Chef consultant...a business venture full of promise to help finance me becoming a stay-at-home mom in September.

We want a lot of out life.......and now........



My head spins. I can't figure out how to organize the tornado that blows through my mind...

Seventeen days ago, we went to the doctor for a routine prenatal check-up and ultrasound...the last one of the first trimester. We were scheduled to do genetic testing that day, upon our request because of spinal defects that run in Cooter's family. I was 11 weeks along and up to that point, had a picture-perfect pregnancy going on (if you can define anything in the first trimester as perfect...because you certainly don't FEEL that way!). Warning us that the ultrasound would take a little longer this time due to testing, I was alarmed when the tech suddenly wrapped it all up in just a few minutes time. During the ultrasound, I noticed her measuring the baby's length repeatedly and each time the screen indicated 9w0d. Shortly after, she left us alone in the room. I immediately looked at Cooter and told him something wasn't right. He went pale. Next thing I knew, they were ushering us into the doctor's office instead of going back to the exam room as we'd been previously told. I actually hadn't met this doctor yet. The nurse practitioner was present for the 8wk appointment and at 12wks (11wks for me) I would begin meeting with the OB. She opened the file and said that they couldn't locate the baby's heartbeat, and at this gestational time, we should have a heartbeat. I immediately wanted to argue with her. I said, "NO, we HAD a heartbeat at 7wks...the risk of losing the baby was so low now...what happened?" At that point I looked over at Cooter and watched his heart breaking. HIs head was down while he tried to regain composure. I realized then that I had to swallow my hysteria and maintain focus. I didn't want them to see me cry. I was able to get through the conversation enough to schedule a D&C two days later. In a five minute span of time, our lives completely fell apart and changed course...just like that.

I apologize for the disarray of my thoughts. Its hard to mentally outline what's left of the wreckage.

Monday, March 1 was our doctor's appointment. Nicole came over to hang out with us. It was a wonderful distraction and kept me from falling into that dark place of blame. I found myself more frustrated, confused, and angry (at who, I don't know). I didn't feel any different, I didn't look any different...nothing made sense to me.

Tuesday, March 2, Cooter and I both had pre-op appointments.

Wednesday, March 3, Cooter had knee surgery. Cooter's mom, Tricia came to keep me company while he was in surgery and stayed with us a few days. Everything went very well and he was back home by early afternoon. I had a huge Pampered Chef delivery that afternoon and busied myself in organizing all of the orders sitting in my dining room. I cooked dinner and dessert that night as well. Never having had any type of surgical procedure, it was best to keep my head full that day. I still wasn't ready to deal with what was to come tomorrow.

Thursday, March 4, I had my D&C. Mom came to take me to the hospital, and Cooter and Tricia joined her. Cooter got to come keep me company all through my pre-op, IV start, etc. and stayed with me until they wheeled me into the OR. My surgery went exactly to plan and I was home by that afternoon. Two prescriptions of Vicodin were filled at Walgreens in two days for us. Mom was joking that they would be watching us now.

The next week went on as if nothing had ever happened. Cooter was up and walking the day after surgery and was back at work Monday. However for me, going back to work was mentally and emotionally draining. I didn't realize how badly I still hurt inside until I had 2 hours a day to sit in the car all alone and let my head wander. Turns out, I am my own worst enemy. I have to think about it though, how can I not? That baby was part of my life for 3 months. I couldn't just pretend it never happened. Sitting at work, attempting to teach 17 kids was just not the time to deal. I have good days where I focus on the future. Good days where I know that our babies are angels up in heaven. They will never know pain and suffering in this world. Then, I have my bad days, where nothing seems to console me. I just need to be sad.

Today was a great day until I went to my post-op appointment. I've physically been great since surgery, so now on to the next step. I was given an information booklet and a doctor referral to the Houston Fertility Institute. I've had trouble dealing with that all day. Medically, recurrent miscarriages are usually defined as three in a row. Our doctor left it up to us to decide if we wanted to see a specialist. Emotionally, do we want to risk another miscarriage?...absolutely not! Now that the decision is upon me, I'm scared to death. We do not have an infertility problem. We can get pregnant, we just have to figure out how to stay that way. I'm so worried that more doctors and more tests will just add undue stress to an already tense situation. It was recommended that we not begin trying again until we meet with these new doctors. I just don't know why I am not wanting to grasp that...

Bottom line...there are not words to describe our appreciation for the support we've received from our friends and family. The cards, the food, the visits at the house...we couldn't have done it alone. We chose to tell the world about our expectant bundle of joy so early for that reason. No matter what the outcome, we chose to have the support of our loved ones. Please continue to pray for our strength and guidance as we journey down this new road of life. Allow us to be accepting of God's will, no matter what that may be...