bittersweet

Yesterday at 10:15am, my Papa was stripped of all his pain and left this world to live with God in heaven above. Knowing he is safe in the arms our Lord brings peace to my aching heart. Nicole put it perfectly yesterday...Jesus got one heck of an angel today. I love it. Papa has fought his way through a rough journey the past couple of years. It is so hard to watch someone you love fight for life. Last Thursday, he suffered a stroke and was moved to a hospice facility on Saturday, where he spent his remaining days surrounded by his family. I am so glad I got to go see him one last time. He squeezed my hand as I rubbed his arm and told him goodbye.

My mom has been such a pillar of strength and enduring love throughout the whole ordeal. She has unimaginably cared for Mimi and Papa over the past couple of years...and she was there every moment possible during Papa's final days. She got to talk to her dad that one last time before his stroke...I'm sure she'll forever remember that. Jeremy, Nicole, Cooter and I spent the evening at Mom & Dad's last night...listening, reminiscing, and just spending time together. Nothing means more than your family.

Speaking of family...here's a few pics of our growing family! Well, 2 out of 3 of us (me and baby) in my weekly belly shot. I found really cute stickers to document the belly every 4 weeks. I hit 12wks on Saturday...a monumental landmark for me!

Close-up

Cooter and I went to the doctor this morning for our 2nd prenatal visit. We completed NT screening today. This scan can help the doctor assess the baby's risk of having Down's Syndrome and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems. They measure the clear space in the tissue at the back of the baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid during the first trimester, causing a larger space along the baby's neck. Everything on the scan looked perfectly normal! Not that there is any sort of situation that would cause us to terminate a pregnancy, but there is treatment and preparation before birth that can be done if needed.

The baby is doing wonderfully! We hadn't seen it in almost 2 weeks, as our weekly appointments with the fertility doctor have ended. Today was my first abdominal ultrasound as well, so as you will see, the clarity of the pictures isn't the same as the ones before. But look how much the little guy has grown!

We were once again a little nervous going into the ultrasound. Although I am further along in my pregnancy than I have ever been before, it was the NT screening last time that led us to find out that our baby's heart had stopped beating. As soon as she gelled up my belly and placed the wand, we saw that growing baby! Heart beating and everything...153bpm! It wiggled around a little bit for us, mostly kicking its feet. Its little legs are getting so long...and we could see its tiny feet. During most of the ultrasound, the hands were up by its face, which is where they were last time too. Baby likes to stretch! I am 12w3d today, but the baby measured 12w6d. I am getting so close to finishing my first trimester! I have been feeling better, but still haven't regained all of my energy. Its definitely better though. My nausea is under control, but now I've completely lost my appetite, which makes it hard to want to eat. When I don't eat enough my blood sugar crashes quickly, leaving me feeling dizzy and weak. The baby is just taking so much more than I can give right now! I've actually lost any weight I gained...leaving me with a 0.5lb (and that is a POINT in front of the 5!) weight gain for the first trimester. I've been reassured that the appetite will indeed return, and the pounds will pack on in due time.

Our day ends still mourning the loss of one life, and praising the creation of another.

so much to be THANKFUL for!

So this is a belated Thanksgiving post... We spent part of this past week at the deer lease, where Cooter shot the best buck he's ever killed. It was a great trip...and best of all, my morning sickness is slowly fading so I wasn't miserable the whole time! I forgot my good camera at home...go figure he'd shoot a good buck since I didn't have it. I had the case, lenses, etc. but no camera. People warned me that the baby would eat my brain...but seriously?!? The act of forgetting things is an everyday occurrence now. Here's Cooter with his buck.

Seeing as I outgrew my jeans a couple weeks ago, I got to give my new maternity jeans a good try while we were there. Turns out, they are pretty cute with cowboy boots too! Mom and Nicole went overboard on a shopping spree to Motherhood Maternity a couple weeks ago. Here's the loot mom gave me to get started... I am SO blessed! Can you read the red shirt on the bottom?...it says Tis the season to be pregnant. Cute. I will be wearing this every couple of days till Christmas!

That same day the clothes fairy visited me, I went to Pearland to see Jeremy and Nicole as they closed on their first house! So excited for them!

So on to baby news because I know that's why you are all such loyal followers. We raced home from the deer lease Wednesday for our last appointment with the fertility specialist. I got a call halfway home asking us if we could either come in early (um no could do...we were miles down I-10) or take our appointment to The Woodlands office. So we did. We actually saw our doctor for a minute...which we haven't seen since I quit my shots. The nurses do all of my ultrasounds and the doctors just help get the babies made. When he walked in I got nervous, like something was wrong...turns out it was just a misunderstanding. He thought we were sent to The Woodlands because we needed to see him (i.e. pregnancy complications), but our office was just short staffed that day. He stayed long enough for the nurse to start the ultrasound, saw a wiggly baby and beating heart, congratulated us and left! I LOVE feeling such trust from the doctor!

So this was by far, the best ultrasound we've had yet. I keep saying that... Immediately the nurse commented on seeing a good strong heartbeat. She measured it and it was 156bpm. I asked if that was okay since we have steadily fallen in the last couple of weeks and she said anything over 120 is normal. Also, the baby was more or less resting again this week...not that we didn't see our fair share of wiggles though! It had flipped around again. Each week, its head it on the opposite side of the sac. So weird to know how much the baby is flipping around inside me and I don't feel a thing. Soon I will though! The baby is the size of a lime this week...measuring about an inch and three quarters today and will be two inches within a few more days! Amazing! During most of the ultrasound the baby had hiccups. Do you know how adorably cute it is to watch it hiccuping on the monitor?!? Its whole little body would twitch and then lay back down. The nurse said I would start feeling the hiccups in the next month or so. Yay! I was 10w4d at this appointment, but the baby measured 10w6d. Anything within a couple of days is good. At this point, I like seeing it jump ahead like that! Grow, baby grow! Here's June bug this week with is feet curled up. Feet are on the left, head on the right.
As adorably cute as we found the hiccups...we were once again stunned by cuteness as the baby took a big stretch. Its legs stretched all the way out and both hands went up. We could see fingers and toes... What a sight! The legs are stretched out of the left (see its little feet?!?) and one hand is to the side and the other is up by the face.
Then as if we hadn't had enough ooooh and aaaaahs for the day, the nurse was able to get a shot from the baby's bottom half. This picture is a little harder to understand... The two white dots on the bottom of the pic are the bottom of its feet. The legs are curled up in the fetal position so we don't really see much of them. Then if you look upward there is another dot in the middle of the pic. That is the answer to the heated debate...boy or girl?!? Those are the parts, ladies and gentleman, but we just can't seem them enough in detail yet.

Oh how I wish they would keep me there another couple of weeks and then we'd know early! The nurse did hint a bit that she thought it looked awfully boyish, but she couldn't give us any more than 50% accuracy...lol. Cooter is convinced though...even calls it "he" when he talks about it. Speaking of talking about the baby...I LOVE to hear Cooter go on and on about the baby. I LOVE watching him show off the ultrasound pics and hear his description of each one and recount what a wonderful experience we had at our appointment. So sweet. He's going to be such a great daddy.

And the appointment just got even better! Yes, there was still room for more excitement... We HEARD our baby's beating heart for the first time! It is the most beautiful music to a pregnant momma's ears! Nothing is sweeter than that swishly thump-thump of your baby's heart beating. Typically the specialist didn't have the ability to hear the heartbeat, just see it via ultrasound. They don't deal with much prenatal care outside of watching the first 10-12 weeks of growth and development. However, they had just received new software for the ultrasound machines and this was the nurse's first attempt to see if it worked. Boy, did it!

It was a bittersweet day as we said good-bye to Houston Fertility Institute. We feel so lucky to have been brought to their care. They are such an attentive, caring staff. We know this is a good thing. The baby is doing well enough to graduate to the OB full time now. We're just going to miss our weekly sneak peeks at the little guy. We left that last appointment on such a high...thrill after thrill, goofy smiles are our face as we carried all of the pictures of our baby out to the car. No videos this week...the files didn't save to my thumb drive for some reason. I might make a drive to The Woodlands this week to retrieve them. Next appointment is with our OB on December 7. We are doing NT screening (more info on that later) and will be having an ultrasound...yay! Then we probably won't see the baby until late January...

We had a busy, but wonderful Thanksgiving with the family. We spent Thanksgiving eve sitting in the garage with the neighbors. Always a good time. Thanksgiving Day, we dropped Laila off at Jeremy and Nicole's new pad so she could spend the day with her aunt, uncle and grandparents. Cooter and I took of to the Gonzalez house for turkey dinner.

Cooter and I Thanksgiving Day

Justin and Emily

After turkey, I headed over to my parents house to watch the Aggies beat UT in the annual Thanksgiving game. Jeremy even gave Laila a Maroon Out shirt to wear during the game. Cooter and the guys headed up to the deer lease for another weekend of hunting.

See, SO much to be thankful for! Big bucks, new houses, precious time well spent with friends and family, growing, hiccuping, stretching baby in my belly, and Ags win! What a wonderful end to an amazing holiday! Now, time for Christmas!!!

still growing

I started taking belly pics last week. I have belly pics from my other two pregnancies too, much earlier than 9wks, but I just couldn't bring myself to start documenting things until I felt more comfortable with the pregnancy. This was taken about an hour after I woke up last Saturday morning. Most of my belly disappears over night, but within the last week or so, I wake up with a little bump. Then as I eat and drink (I drink TONS of water), it grows throughout the day.

Each week our appointments get a little more nerving. We should be feeling more relieved and excited with each passing week, but when you suffer through a missed miscarriage, you learn to fear the future. The days approaching our appointment we talk about how excited we are to see the baby again, but when we find ourselves in the waiting room, we are nerve struck immediately. After finding out solely through ultrasound that the last baby's heart stopped beating, we developed a learned behavior to fear each passing appointment. We have to stop our neurotic thoughts and remind ourselves of everything we've seen the past 5 weeks. The baby is noticeably bigger and definitely more human looking each week, the heart rate steadily climbed and has remained strong ever since and we've now seen it wiggling around 3 weeks in a row! I asked the nurse today when she feels that I'm in the clear. She said there's really two points they look at...8wks and 12wks. We have healthily passed the 8wk mark with flying colors. In about 2 weeks I will be at the 12wk mark. Today was supposed to be my last appointment with the fertility doctor, but after seeing how nervous we still are and how incredibly relieved we are once we see the baby's heart beating, she told us we could come back one more week if that would make us feel better. Of course we jumped all over that! So we will squeeze in before Thanksgiving next Wednesday afternoon. She told me to look at it as a graduation point. They wouldn't release me if they didn't feel that the pregnancy was going well enough. Always constantly reminding ourselves of things like that... Neurotic, I'm telling you!

Our June Bug!

Here's the stats from this week's appointment... The baby is almost 3cm long now...that's about an inch and a quarter. In a few days it will be about the size of a prune! Its measurements are back on track. If you remember last week, it gained 2 days. Just a little growth spurt! Its 9w5d this week, which is right on with our dates. I'll be 10 weeks on Saturday. It didn't want to move as much for us this week as it did last week. I had terrible indigestion and nausea last night and didn't sleep well so I thought maybe the baby was catching up on sleep. This week's heart rate was 163bpm, which is lower than last week, but still high. With the baby not moving as much today, that's still a good resting heart rate. The flicker of its heartbeat isn't as obvious anymore as more internal organs are developing inside our little one every day. The arms and legs have grown significantly since last week...all 4 limbs were very clear on the monitor. We were able to see a good shot of the brain today. If you look in the 2nd pic, the head is up and the dark circle at the top is the brain. So neat to know that it already has a mind of its own! The placenta was still really clear and the baby is taking up more and more space in there. Eventually it will start to stretch and take up that entire gestational sac (the black circle around the baby). If you look really closely in the last picture, you can see facial features! Most of the pic is the head...we were peeking at its brain when we got this shot. You can see eyes, nose and mouth...the baby was looking right at us in the pic. On the monitor we got a good frontal shot of the baby and could see the arms and legs on both sides of the body. Its so awesome to see it actually looking like a baby now!

It did wiggle for just a bit and I say this every time, but I am forever in awe of that image. It is so breath-taking watching it on the monitor. When I plugged in my thumb drive to edit the video, I giggled out loud after watching it. I will watch it over and over until we see it again in person. It doesn't just move its head and body now, it moves its arms and legs all around. Such a proud momma!

it wiggles, it waves!

There are not words to describe how amazing it is to watch the life we created growing inside me.

Quite possibly the best doctor's appointment yet! First of all, little baby blob is no longer blobular, but looking much more human like! If I haven't said this repeatedly, I'll say it again...it is SO awesome to get to watch your little one's growth each week. It is incredible how much bigger it is this week than last! The baby measured 9weeks 0 days today, which is 2 days early (bigger). The nurse calls it super baby. While in awe of how much more we could see this week, the baby started wiggling around. The head is as big as the body right now, so you see movements between the head and trunk, like twitches. It moved over and over and we just started giggling! The nurse decided to take a video of the movement and of course the baby chilled out and just laid there. Since it was still, she decided to measure the heart rate, and its started dancing around again...so cute. The heart rate is 174bpm! That is a wonderfully strong heartbeat! She zoomed in for us to see its arm and leg buds...I say buds because they are not fully extended yet, just little small extensions off the body. As she zoomed in and pointed to one of the arms, it waved at us! I gasped and we both started giggling all over again. WOW, that was just the best thing we could've asked to see. If you look closely in the 2nd pic, you can see its little legs. The baby is upside down, so the legs are up and to the left. She said next week we might be able to hear the heartbeat out loud. The placenta is nice and clear, a perfect little circle surrounding the baby (you can see it in all of the pics). If you look at the 3rd pic, it is a little more blurry, but it is zoomed to see the umbilical cord. Actually in that pic, you can very clearly see the head and body. The line that goes straight down is the cord. On the monitor, we could actually see the blood flow through the cord. She took a video of the blood flow too...our baby's life line.

See the video below. The flicker in the middle of the baby is the heartbeat. Watch it twitch and its little feet kick! It wouldn't dance like it was for the video, but still breath-taking!



Thank you to everyone that has continuously kept our family in your prayers. We thank God for every day we have with this baby. Watching it grow is such a blessing.

2 baby pictures

We were lucky enough to get to see our baby twice in one day! Last week's gummi bear grew into a baby blob. Scroll down and see the growth in just the past 3 weeks...its amazing! We had our weekly appointment with the fertility specialist and I started my prenatal visits with my OB. The pics were taken at 7weeks 5days, despite the dates the pics say. Both doctors are still going by my last period to date the pregnancy, but thanks to the wonderful world of medicine, I am roughly 4-5 days ahead of that timeline. The baby has measured exactly a week ahead with each passing visit, so its growing exactly as it should be! At my first appointment, the heart rate measured 144bpm. We had enough time to grab some breakfast between appointments, and by my second ultrasound, the heart rate was up to 157bpm! Its still so incredible to watch that flicker on the screen and know that means our baby is thriving. I know I've voiced my love for my weekly appointments, but we found out that I will continue those up until 10 weeks. Depending on which dates they go by, that gives me 2-3 more ultrasounds. The nurse said next time we might even be able to start seeing arm and leg buds...I can't wait for that baby blob to start looking like a tiny human! My OB is going to see me again December 7, which will put me about 12weeks 3 days. At that time we will do an NT (neural tube) screening. That involves bloodwork and an ultrasound. This extra testing was doctor recommended after we reminded them that spina bifida runs in Cooter's family. It was the NT screening during the last pregnancy that we found out that our baby's heart had stopped beating at about 9 weeks. I was 8weeks yesterday, which means I am officially past my first pregnancy (which ended at 7w6d), and if I can make it one more week, we will have passed up the last pregnancy. I don't let myself get too excited yet...I just can't. I did frame our ultrasound pic and look at it about 2493 times a day. I've been sick enough to remind myself daily that I am indeed pregnant. Nothing terrible, just feel tired and weak and the nausea comes and goes about 4-5 times a day. Every time I want to hurl, I look at the baby and I gladly feel sick to know he/she is growing! Keep praying!

photo update

There have been such few pictures of us lately, as the Maxwell family blog seems to have become a pregnancy journal. Thought you all might be curious as to what we look like these days... Here we are at a wedding October 23. We are so seldom dressed up together and with such beautiful backgrounds behind us. We were on Inks Lake in Burnet, TX. Cooter was a groomsman in the wedding, which explains the orange tie below. Excuse the beard...from Cooter's dad's birthday (Sept. 26) thru opening weekend of deer season (this weekend), Cooter and his dad sport a beard. I coined the time table..."beard season." By the way...I am 6 weeks preggo in the pic.





Here's some photo updates of our fur babies. With the passing of each baby, we have inadvertently adopted another animal. Grayce is now 4 and a half, Laila is almost 16 months, and Alice (Allie) is a little over 9 months old. Allie wandered up to our house back in July and her and Laila instantly became best friends.

Grace

Laila

Best Friends

Meet Allie

one beautiful baby

Look how much our little baby has grown already! 6 weeks, 5 days old in the picture. It went from a little rice-looking thing last week to a gummi bear! That's what the nurse called it...she said, "what a beautiful little gummi bear!" Not that its even that big yet...last week it was the size of an orange seed, this week its about the size of a nail head...and by next week it will be a blueberry! For the record, there is only one baby! We would've been thrilled with twins, but the chances of complications are a lot less with a singleton pregnancy. Almost immediately, we saw the baby's heart beating. I almost forgot that we might be able to see the heartbeat this time...I was so excited to see that the baby had grown! This is the second time I've seen one of our baby's hearts beating...and wow, it just brings tears to your eyes every time. What a miracle! This baby was just made almost 7 weeks ago, and it already has a beating heart. The heart rate was 119 beats per minute. They even recorded the heartbeat on a video for us...although I can't get the mac to play it...but I will persevere and beat the computer! According to What to Expect (the baby bible), in the 6th week, the heart should be beating around 80bpm and growing faster every day. So I am thrilled with 119. That's actually already faster than the other baby's heart rate was at 7 weeks, 1 day with the last pregnancy. I just love our fertility nurses...she just sat there and let us awe in the moment as we watched the baby's heart beating. I barely got to see it at the OB's office last time. They are so busy there, you are in and out of ultrasounds. I am holding on to each moment we get to see the baby, and thankful to have been given such amazing resources.

The baby is still measuring right on time. We are now going by the baby's measurements to date the pregnancy since the little guy's growth has been consistent a couple weeks in a row. So that makes me 7 weeks tomorrow, still due June 18. With each passing week, I find myself getting more excited about the pregnancy. i feel so vulnerable, especially after the way we lost the last baby. We get to see the baby twice next week...my fertility doctor still wants to see me once a week and I will have my first prenatal appointment with my OB, which means bloodwork and another ultrasound! I'll take it!

one or two?!?

One or two?!? We still don't know yet! What we do know is that we can see one baby nice and clear so far! Going into the ultrasound, my nurse warned us that being early, we wouldn't see much. She said what they were looking for was the number of gestational or amniotic sacs (the large black circles). If we were lucky we'd be able to see a yolk sac (which will later be incorporated into the baby's digestive tract) and possibly the baby. We were able to see one gestational sac right away and the nurse said, "hi baby!" She zoomed in on it and we were able to see a yolk sac and the baby. In the ultrasound pic, the baby resembles the bright white piece of rice and if you see the white circular area around the baby, that's the yolk sac. So far, so good! Everything we MIGHT see, we saw! The baby has implanted right in the center of my uterus, which is a good thing as well. The baby measured 5 weeks, 5 days...which matches up exactly with the first day we tried. The computer calculates my pregnancy based on when my hormone shot was given, which made me 5 weeks , 3 days. The nurse said this early, as long as the pregnancy and the baby's measurements are within a couple of days, they are happy. My estimated due date is June 18!

One baby or two? While the nurse was scanning my uterus for gestational sacs, she noticed a suspicious spot just about the other baby. Its too hard to see in the ultrasound pic (that pic is zoomed in to see more detail), but on the screen there was another black circular area. it wasn't clear like the baby we could see, but it was defined enough for the nurse to draw attention to. Why would we be able to see one baby and not another? The baby doesn't implant in the uterus until about 2 weeks after conception. If the babies implanted on different days, it could have made a difference in the ultrasound. We know I had two eggs released during ovulation. There are multiple possibilities at this point. Both eggs could have released on different days, even though I took only one hormone shot. Also, we were told to try on two separate days, so its possible that the eggs were fertilized on different days, causing them to implant differently. Either way, we will hopefully know how many when we go back on Thursday this week. I haven't had any more bloodwork done since my early levels were on the high side. We might be able to see a heartbeat at this week's appointment too! I have an appointment with my ob/gyn November 4, at which time I'll be almost 8 weeks and we'll have another ultrasound done then...yay! After losing the last two babies, I LOVE being able to keep tabs on this baby (or babies).

We also found out that my ovaries are very swollen right now. The injections I took last month stimulated my ovaries so we could control ovulation. I ended up releasing an egg from each ovary. My high levels of estrogen have not allowed my ovaries to return to their normal size. Right now, they are bigger than my uterus. I had been feeling a lot of lower abdominal pressure (uncomfortable, but not painful). It wasn't cramping or anything that caused me worry. In fact, I thought it was gas pains. Turns out, as my bladder fills up (quite frequently these days), it puts pressure on my ovaries, which is why I am feeling so uncomfortable. My ovaries, bladder and growing uterus are all sharing the same space right now. The nurse didn't act like it was anything for concern, but she did take measurements of one ovary. It was about 58mm (when I ovulated, each was 18-20mm to put that into perspective). Unfortunately, it will take a while for the swelling to go down. Rising levels are so important to my pregnancy, but cause adverse effects on other parts of my body. So for now, I deal with the swelling belly!

Cooter is so proud and excited. We went to a wedding this past weekend and he told anyone and everyone he talked to that I was pregnant. He told most people it was twins too! He secretly wants twins...we lost two, he thinks that would be amazing to get two babies back. We'll see very soon... I'm still so very cautious, but I want to be excited. I have been exhausted lately and for the past 5 days or so I've been feeling so nauseated. I have no appetite, so its hard to want to eat. If I don't eat, I feel sick. When I do eat, I still feel sick for a couple hours. The progesterone I take and what my body makes on top of that causes my food to digest slowly, which leaves me with the full sick feeling in my gut. I end up with about 3-4 hours in the late afternoon/evening that I feel great. It makes me feel very fortunate to not be getting up for work at 3:45am right now. I'm about 6 weeks, 3 days or 6 weeks, 1 day depending which calculation we use. I can't wait for Thursday!

going up...

Well, its been a week of worries, wows and wazoos! Ok, I don't know what a wazoo is, but it sounded fun. Nothing big to worry about...its just always a part of me. It always will be until I have a baby in my arms! Despite the worries, lots of wows to share. So last report I found out that my levels had been climbing nicely so far. I went back last Wednesday for my usual blood draw and war wound, wait for a phone call with results. That day at lunch, I almost choked on my chicken...my levels went from 280 on Monday to 784 on Wednesday! WOW! If you remember, hormone levels should double every 30-48 hours in the first several weeks of pregnancy. Mine were just shy of tripling in 48 hours! Super pumped! So, my appointment Friday was bypassed, seeing as I had already almost reached Friday's expected count and an ultrasound is tentatively scheduled for next Friday. I returned Monday for the same thing. My counts as of Monday were 3,443! I know that seems high, but if you double my numbers every 48 hours, that is right on target. I am on the higher side of the spectrum, but it is a very wide spectrum. My ultrasound is moved up to tomorrow (Thursday). So anxious! I am not nervous as I've been with all previous prenatal ultrasounds. We found out during the first ultrasound that we lost the first baby last July, then the second ultrasound showed we lost the second baby back in March. If anything, I know that the baby is doing well so far based on my hormone levels. I actually like having so many appointments. It really gives me peace of mind knowing every couple of days that the baby is okay. We will hopefully find out tomorrow if there is one baby or two. I'm excited to find that out. I'm still a bit worried that its very early for an ultrasound, but I have to remind myself that my doctors and nurses have gotten me this far, and I need to trust them. I have no idea how to calculate my pregnancy either. Most estimated due dates are calculated based on your last period. If I consider that, then I am only 5 weeks today. My injections caused me to ovulate a week early so if we go from that point in time, I am closer to 6 weeks. Measuring the baby during an early ultrasound can also give me and estimated due date. So much to find out! I counted ahead...if we can make it past Thanksgiving, then I will have past the point that we lost the last baby. Thanksgiving doesn't seem so far away when I think of it that way. Praying every chance we get that this baby is growing and thriving. Updates from the ultrasound soon...

thinking POSITIVE

So we graced the doctor's office with our presence at 8am this past Friday morning for the much awaited pregnancy blood test. The first thing the nurse asked me was if I had taken a home pregnancy test yet. I told her I was too scared. I was also worried it was too early, seeing as I would not be due to start another cycle for a week or so. Blood drawn, we left the office, another cotton ball and band-aid accessorizing my outfit. We would receive a phone call with results as soon as possible. Oh how slow time can move!

Cooter began pacing WAY too much for my anxiety level when we got home, so he went off to work to pretend to be busy and hopefully pass the time. He told me before he went to work that if I wasn't pregnant, he was going to be really mad at his swimmers. I had to laugh a little. Most men don't hold anger against their sperm. In my attempt to stay busy I folded 3 loads of laundry, changed sheets on my bed, washed and cut up a week's worth of fruit, boiled and peeled 15 eggs (I was making deviled eggs for a meeting that night), and managed to catch up on Grey's Anatomy from the night before. Its amazing how productive you can be when you have time to kill! In the midst of my cleaning and cooking spree, I decided to go pee on the one stick left in the medicine cabinet. At this point, I had been awake for almost 4 hours and had already downed several bottles of water. I coached myself to not feel disappointment if it was negative. It wasn't the perfect circumstance to be taking a test, and I reminded myself that it was still quite early. We were already mentally preparing ourselves to deal with that anyway. The test at first glance looked negative, but in the light I noticed a faint cross line. That just brought on more confusion than anything. Suddenly it felt like they would never call with my results. I argued with myself...if there is even the faintest of a line, that means your body is still producing enough hcg to cause the test to react, right? Then I was convinced I was seeing things. I wanted to see it so badly that I was beginning to imagine tiny blue lines. So I did the next best thing...I took a picture with my phone and sent it to Cooter for further examination. His immediate response was that it looked positive to me. I still didn't want false hope. At that point I was actually frustrated that I even took the test in the first place. The aftermath of it all makes me laugh now.

Finally at 10:45 (I was pretty sure those 2 hours and 45 minutes were close to being an eternity), the nurse called. The first words out of her mouth were, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" My blood test was positive!!! I have no idea how far along I am. Calculating an estimated due date the old fashioned way versus my dates with the meds gives me a week or so difference. For now, I return every 2-3 days for blood work to make sure my levels are rising properly.

I went back today and when my nurse called with results, she was very happy. She said everything looks great so far. I will not have any ultrasounds for a couple of weeks because its just too early to see anything yet. My hcg levels should be doubling every 30-48 hours. On Friday, it was 46...today it was 280!!! That puts me somewhere around 4-5 weeks preggo. I go back Wednesday and probably Friday for the same blood work.

To all of my prayer warriors...keep those prayers coming! You all have supported us this far, now we just need this baby to grow, grow, grow! I don't think my nerves will ever be completely calmed. I still haven't let it completely sink in that I'm pregnant. My brain is protecting my heart. I think its understandable though. One day at a time, one prayer at a time...and lord willing, this baby will be in our arms sometime around June!

monthly update

Sometimes they say no news is good news...but for us, no news meant we were still in the process of waiting. Thanks to being abruptly cut off of my injections last month, my body took a beating. For the two weeks following, I experienced a lot of cramping and swelling as my body tried to naturally take care of business. I had at least 6 follicles that measured 16mm or more, and ovaries just aren't made to expand like that! My swelling got so bad for a few days that I couldn't even button pants because my gut was so tender. I actually gave in and took half a vicodin a few nights just to help me sleep...and I wouldn't normally do that. I was so uncomfortable. The injections wreaked havoc on my monthly cycle as well. We patiently counted down the days until my next cycle, which of course, came and went with no signs or symptoms. The start of my next cycle meant we could start meds again.

Some people are reading the last couple of entries thinking, why the hell would you want to do that to yourself again?!? Injections=baby...enough said. I hear all the time, "Oh, I could never do that." Several of our friends shudder at the thought of giving themselves a shot. Then again, none of them have been trying to have a baby for 17 months, and lost 2 along the way. I've really found what I'm made of the past few months. I am far stronger than I ever realized.

Back to the update... Finally, after 48 days, my cycle started. I was beginning to think I was broken! Funny, most women would begin to think they were pregnant by then...not that I didn't take a precautionary pregnancy test, but I was very doubtful of the results, just needed to get it out of my mind. Cooter came home so excited that day. The thought of a husband being overjoyed about his wife's menstrual cycle was amusing to me. Most men dread that time of the month! We see beyond the bitchy days and complaints of cramps and bloating and the fact that there's never enough chocolate in the house for those few days. To us, this was our chance to try again.

I went to the doctor the next day, where they did the routine baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. That is so normal to us now. Cooter and I actually know and understand what we see during the ultrasound. We know what they are measuring and what numbers are considered normal now...as we were incredibly abnormal the month before. We know what the counts mean when they call me with blood results. Its really been quite the educational experience! We were given the go ahead to start injections the next day, September 17. They cut my dose in half this time, which actually made my shots more bearable. I had far less side effects this time. Its still uncomfortable, but completely different. Major prayers were answered financially as well...since we technically had a failed round of injections, Houston Fertility Institute was not going to charge us for this round. We pay 100% out of pocket for this treatment. Also, thanks to the lowered doses of meds, I had enough leftover from last cycle so we didn't have to buy more medication! Since I am not working right now, that was such huge stress removed from the situation.

We returned Monday, Wednesday and Friday the following week for bloodwork and ultrasounds. WIth each visit, we got more nervous as we watched the follicles growing. Especially the visit on Wednesday...that was the same time frame that we got shut down last time. If we could make it past that, there wasn't really a point of return. So we prayed, prayed, prayed for those little eggs to be growing and the rest of the guys to take it easy. Wednesday's visit proved to be good...although we had one little guy that was already approaching 18mm. 18-20mm is considered mature and there is a small window for those follicles to be usable. If we let it go too long, we're in the same boat as conceiving naturally...a post mature egg. Friday's visit was good...we had 2 follicles measuring 19mm...prime suspects! There was another about 14, but the odds of that one catching up weren't great. Typically they want us to have 3-4 eggs to try to conceive a baby, maybe twins. We know that having only 2 mature follicles lowers our odds, but the doctors were so much more comfortable with this situation...as were we. So, I got to stop injections that day. I had completed 8 shots at that point. That night I gave myself an HCG shot (hormone that actually triggers my body into ovulation). We were told when to try and now we're back to waiting. I started progesterone supplements last night and will continue on them for the next 9 days. As of right now, the progesterone is a precaution. The elevated levels of progesterone will help sustain a pregnancy in the early stages. My estrogen count the day of my hormone shot was pretty high, which all plays into me getting and staying pregnant. I have a blood test scheduled for next Friday, October 8. That's the pregnancy test. Tell me that won't be one of the longest days of my life! That's technically a week before my cycle is due to start, but they know what they are doing. I suppose that gives time for subsequent blood tests in the days following if that one should be negative. We are very nervous...but we have done everything the doctor told us to, when they told us to, and how they told us to. My results up to now have been wonderful.

Now its in God's hands...

stopped in our tracks...

The past week I have been enduring the ups and downs associated with self-injectible drugs. Once you get past the thought of sticking yourself with a needle, it becomes relatively routine. I made the mistake the night of the first injection of staying up late and on my feet for quite some time. I came home cramped, nauseated and in pain. I wasn't worried, however, as all of the aforementioned are considered COMMON symptoms. I vowed to take life a little easier the next couple of weeks and try my best to wind down and rest post injection. We went back to the doctor on Wednesday, which meant we had been on the meds for 4 days. My uterine wall was thickening nicely...in fact, we could already see 3 layers (which is perfect!). They measured as many of the follicles as they could see via ultrasound.

A little background...follicles start off the cycle around 6mm on average. Some are even smaller, and won't fully develop in time for ovulation, but still contribute to pregnancy. A mature follicle (ready for release of eggs...ovulation) measures 18-21mm.

They measured one big follicle on my right side...4 days into meds, it was already 15mm! I had 1-2 smaller ones on that side as well...nothing worth mentioning. My left side is another story. When she moved the wand over to the left, a little village of black dots appeared (that's what the follicles look like on the screen). Cooter gasped...as he sees each follicle as a potential baby, although it doesn't necessarily mean that. They measured one at 14mm, one at 12mm, 9mm, and there were several smaller ones around. Those smaller follicles are good to have around because, even though they won't mature before ovulation (or in my case, the hcg hormone shot), they still release hormones, which will help support a pregnancy. If you remember correctly, sustaining a pregnancy is my problem, so the tech was quite happy with those results. As far as the big follicles go, they wanted to see 3-4 mature before giving me my hormone shot. The nurse said she wouldn't be surprised if I was given that shot on Friday, but they would let me know depending on my bloodwork. Later that day, they called and said my estrogen levels were perfect for the size of my follicles, and they wanted to see me back on Friday to measure growth again...a very good sign!

So we went back today...a little nervous, but overall excited. Since my follicles have matured rather rapidly (the last measurements were taken 4 days into meds...they want me to be on them at least 7-10 days), we were hoping that no more follicles had grown past the point of allowing us to move on to the next step. We let the doctor know that selective reduction was not an option for us, and if possible, we didn't want to be put in that position. After speaking with the nurse, we agreed that a twin pregnancy is as risky as we are willing to go for the health of me and the babies. During measurements today, the right side was already at 20mm (only 2 days later), so it was ready to roll. I had a few supporting follicles as well, nothing to worry about. When we saw the left side, even the nurse said, "Whoa!" Almost all of the follicles we had seen on Wednesday had grown...that is exactly what we did NOT want to happen. I had one at 18mm, one at 16mm, and others that ranged from 6mm to 12mm. Having only been on the meds for 6 days, we knew we were starting to walk a thin line. Staying on the meds much longer could cause way too many eggs to be released, and we could possibly cause the few follicles ready to become post-mature. We still left today thinking that we'd be told to do my hormone shot today or tomorrow, based on bloodwork. Excited emotions started running much higher now...

I had been anxiously awaiting the call from the office all day. When I answered, it was my doctor (who usually does not make the follow-up calls). He said everything looked very good, my body was responding to the injections well, so we know it works. Problem is, it works a little too well. He knows we are worried about multiples (over 2). Based on what he saw today from the ultrasound pics, he does not feel comfortable letting me continue with treatment this month. I would need to stay on meds for another 24-48 hours and he is concerned that too many follicles will have time to mature by then, and once we began ovulation we would have way too many eggs. He doesn't want to put us in a position to go against what we want and does not want to jeopardize my health. So we wait...again. Next month, we'll start injections on a very low dose and go from there. Its all a guessing game and putting pieces of a puzzle together. I just pray for answers soon. I was devastated to know that my body did so well all week, and then just feel like we hit a brick wall. Its not like I can't get pregnant. Its not like the medication failed. We have been SO close to making this work. I know its only one month, but to us, its been 15 months and counting. Each set back gets harder. Patience is definitely a virtue. Cooter is bringing home ice cream for us...

Stick with it!

We have waited all summer, but it is finally time to start injections today! Who knew I'd be excited about sticking myself with a needle?!? Oh what a baby will do to your mind! We went to the doctor yesterday and were given the go ahead to begin. I had bloodwork and an ultrasound to get a baseline for the month. They measured a couple follicles from each ovary so we can track the growth in the weeks to follow. If you remember from a previous post, one month I had six active follicles...which fertility speaking, is a very good thing. Yesterday I had NINE! Will they ALL release an egg...no, but it ups my chance of having 3-4 eggs released. Sound crazy, you ask?!? By no means are we trying to have triplets or quadruplets. Every egg released is not always fertilized, or a woman would get pregnant on the first try every time. The odds of all 3-4 eggs becoming babies is like 5%. So, technically there is still a risk, but its a risk willing to be taken...at least at this point. Their reasoning behind wanting that many eggs released is to have more targets to hit. Talk like its a hunting game and Cooter suddenly becomes an investigator. He is beyond worried that I will get pregnant with a litter. His exact wording was..."How do we make sure that she's not going to be delivering babies in a box under the stairs?" LOL.

The meds I will be injecting can be adjusted as needed. I go back in on Wednesday and again on Friday for more ultrasounds and bloodwork. They will measure my follicles again to see the effects of the meds. Too much growth, or too many follicles being stimulated, and I will dial down the injection. I will have approximately 10 days of injections. At the end of that time, they will do one last ultrasound to see how many follicles they believe will release eggs. If it's more than 3-4, we stop there and wait until next month. I PRAY that does not happen. Not only do we have to find the patience within ourselves to keep waiting (its already been almost 15 months), but we start over financially too (not that money will make or break this deal, but its kind of a necessity to keep this operation going!).

I'm excited, anxious, nervous... We need your prayers again. We pray that this medication does the work my body needs. We pray for a healthy opportunity to be able to try for a baby. We pray for a successful try. We will know in less than a month if this worked or not. We pray for patience and understanding no matter what happens in the next 30 days.

Pampered Chef National Conference 2010...and some aha's in life...

Two posts in a month...WOW!

I don't know if it is my motivating return from Pampered Chef's National Conference or just changes in life finally settling in...but I suddenly felt a warm feeling inside me, feeling blessed with the people I have in my life right now, and proud of the way we are living life.

You saying hmmmmm yet?!? So I was sitting here this morning lurking on facebook, looking at old friend's photos, etc. instead of cleaning my bathroom. We're all guilty of such distractions...don't lie! I think most of us have a group of friends from our past that weren't always the best company for you. You may or may not still touch base with them from time to time. Maybe you partied a little too hard for a while, or found yourself living a whole new life with these people. Catching up with such friends or looking through pics lets you relive that life vicariously for a few minutes. Maybe you miss that old lifestyle, maybe you don't... I certainly don't. I am proud of the turns I have taken the past few years in life, so thankful for the people I have come to know, and the decisions I have made. The photos and the people will remain anonymous... My point is, I don't miss the life I HAD...I embrace the one I HAVE.

Off of my soapbox now... So, I just got back from Chicago! I absolutely loved it there...I was quite impressed! I had a wonderful opportunity to travel with my team to attend Pampered Chef's National Conference. This was a huge step for me. Traveling to a new city with people I hardly knew (minus Jen), but I am SO glad I went! I learned new ideas for cooking shows, strategies for working with customers, and wonderful ways to share the business with others. Most of all, I brought back self-confidence. I came home more motivated than ever and believing in myself. I watched fellow teammates and my executive director Jen walk across the stage in front of thousands of people for their accomplishments over the past year. I can't wait to be on that stage! When we made the decision for me to resign from teaching for a while, Pampered Chef became more than just something on the side. Its my full time job now...and I love it! I realized as well, that its not about the money either...although my latest WHY is to make the suburban payment every month (how cool would that be?!?). It is all about believing in myself. I don't know how, but I've been lucky enough to be recognized the last 3 team meetings for my sales accomplishments (which, in my opinion have not been great lately...). That's SO motivating though...and I can and WILL do better! =)

A great friend told me the other night...surround yourself with positive people and positive experiences. Life is all about being told NO and how you deal with it...but that just makes the YES soooo much better!

busy life, belated updates...

So much to do, so little time to do it...

I am thoroughly enjoying my summer so far! It seems like I bounce from one project to the next and I will not be satisfied until they are all done. I made a list of projects this morning (including a much needed blog update) to focus my energy and give me something to cross off the list...there's just something fulfilling about being able to complete a task and mark it off your list! I'm a dork, but hey, whatever works, right? Ooooo just thought of another thing to add to the list while I'm sitting here. If my head would quit spinning long enough, maybe I'd actually finish something...LOL. Is it possible to nest while you're planning a pregnancy?!?

Lots of changes have happened in the last 3 months for our family. Last update, we were still grieving the loss of our 2nd baby. At that point, I was looking ahead to days of possible fertility treatments, but at the same time, really wasn't sure I was ready to face all those risks, thoughts, and fears in the face. About mid April we had our first consultation with the fertility doctor. We were warned going into treatments that most fertility doctors will not consider recurrent miscarriage until you have had three in a row. My OB left this choice up to us and provided a referral. During our first meeting, the doctor said one miscarriage is too many and that was music to our ears!

The process started with a massive 14 vile blood draw from me (called a miscarriage panel, to determine if there was anything lacking in my system that could have caused the loss of the babies) and one blood draw for Cooter (to determine if anything chromosomal in his blood work clashed with mine). Results from bloodwork took 3-5 weeks to get back...so began the process of waiting. Over the next month, we had bloodwork and ultrasounds done every week as they monitored my cycle. They tested everything imaginable, trying to be more proactive before we needed to be reactive. Throughout the month, everything looked picture perfect. My follicles were active and healthy, my uterine lining (where the baby would attach) continued to have a good thickness each week. Still searching for problems...

It brought on quite confusing reactions for us. We leave the office each week relieved that I'm reproductively healthy, but without the closure and answers we so desperately needed. On one hand, we don't want anything to be wrong with me, but at the same time, if something is wrong, and it is fixable, we are that much closer to having a baby of our own. Lots of prayers every day for guidance, acceptance, and understanding of what was going on and what could possibly be.

The week I should have been ovulating the doctor did a saline ultrasound. They inject a saline dye into your uterus to be able to see the release of the egg, which starts ovulation. Its really kind of neat to see everything on the ultrasound...we are now unusually familiar with the inside of my body! At that time, the doctor said he thought I might have already ovulated, which would mean I was getting pregnant on an egg that wasn't fully developed yet. Bloodwork would tell the answers...so I went off to work and waited. My kids at school got so used to me coming an hour late once a week with a cotton ball and band-aid stuck to my arm. That day, bloodwork showed unusually low levels of HCG (pregnancy hormone...all women have a surge of the HCG hormone when they release an egg each month...the hormone levels increasingly raise when you conceive). This indicated that opposite of what the doctor thought...I had NOT ovulated yet. I went in every 2 days for the next week while we waited for my egg to release.

It appears that I ovulate about a week late. What does that mean?!? Basically, the egg is ripe and perfect for fertilization about 12-14 days into a cycle. I wasn't releasing that egg until about day 21, which means the egg is post-mature. It is still able to be fertilized, but chances are very good that it will never grow and develop like it should. Answers...like pieces of a puzzle all coming together. Within that same week, we received the results of the massive blood draw from weeks earlier. All of my counts looked perfect, as did Cooter's. I showed a slight mutation for my body's ability to absorb folic acid, but I was also told that is very common even amongst mothers that have healthy babies. The result...everything is treatable!!!

We also found out during all of the ultrasounds that I have at least 6 active follicles. Follicles release your eggs. Usually they alternate sides each month. I have at least 3 per side. Its a good thing though, fertility wise. It means I have lots of options, I am full of eggs! LOL. That also means that we are at a higher risk of having twins...

We were given three options:
1. Try again...let nature take its course. Yes, there is a chance we could go on to have a healthy baby. When almost all fertility tests point to post ovulation as my issue, the chances of my cycle suddenly changing on its own are very slim.
2. Clomid. Clomid is a drug designed to tell your body to release an egg on time. It is a very common fertility drug and I hear lots of success stories. The doctor gave us about an 8% chance of the clomid working the first time (plus factor in our high fertility rate). It costs about $800 a cycle (insurance does not cover the drugs). The only negative side effect is that some clomid users experience a thinning in the uterine wall due to the medication. That reduces the baby's chance of sticking. My doctor said he was hesitant to prescribe Clomid to us due to the previous miscarriages, but its still an option.
3. Injections, More specifically, an injectable called Follistim, combined with Ovidrel to release my egg on time. I would give myself injections over a period of time until we were told to try. The doctor gave us a 30-40% chance of it working the first time (plus our fertility rate). It costs double, about $1600 a cycle. No negative side effects.

We chose injections.

With any fertility drugs, our risk of multiples goes up. We were at risk of having twins anyway... Since the medication tells your body when to release an egg (so that I will release on time), there is a risk of too many eggs being released. We cannot control how many follicles are stimulated, so if multiple eggs are released, we could get pregnant with more than one baby. My doctor will not send us down the road to having our own TLC show or anything. Before giving us the OK to try, they do an ultrasound to see how many eggs are being released. That doesn't necessarily mean they will all be fertilized, but you have to plan that way just in case. We will take two, but aren't willing to risk more than that!

We went home and starting weighing our options and when we wanted to start. Cooter was ready immediately. This was the end of May. I was seeing light at the end of the school year tunnel. I was in charge of the field trip, field day was coming up, awards ceremonies, and the last day of school. I just couldn't afford to be off work every two days to be monitored while on medication. Not when I knew I'd have all summer off in a matter of weeks. Cooter got upset with me for choosing work over family. Here was my take on the situation. All of you teachers will understand what a stressful time the end of the year is. You are very busy getting report cards ready, keeping the kids active and busy when you have no more textbooks, are running out of supplies and copies, and are trying to pack up your room for the summer...plus my daily drive through Houston. I said why add that stress to an already delicate situation when we can wait a month and remove those risk factors? So we settled on starting injections in June.

One thing I wanted to do before I was pregnant, was float the river one more time. If you're from Texas, you know you can't beat a cold river on a sweltering hot day. I wanted to be able to have carefree fun without thinking ahead. Next summer, god willing, we will have a tiny infant and for years to come vacations will never be the same...fun and special in their own way, but definitely not the same. We'll either have kids in tow, or will be having to make plans for them to stay somewhere while we were gone. This was our last hoorah. And boy it was! I don't think I have ever had so much fun camping. We have become unbelievable close with our neighbors and we are so blessed to have such wonderful friends. Blogger has outsmarted me and the imac today, so I will have to post pics from the trip at another time. Sorry!

One thing life has taught us recently, or forced us to learn...is patience. Trying, pregnancy, fertility tests and treatments, all come with lots and lots of waiting for the right time. We were really hoping to start injections late June this month. It all depended on my cycle starting. Unfortunately, due to our busy July, we had a small window to have all of this work so we could still do treatments, go on vacation with Cooter's family and still send me to Chicago for Pampered Chef's national conference. As luck would have it, our window came and went. Stressing about it didn't help much either... Following a D&C, cycles can and will be off schedule for a while. Sure is frustrating though! So, although all of the medication was delivered last week and its quietly waiting in my fridge, we made the decision to wait until my next cycle to start injections now. There is just too much going on, too much planned and paid for to miss out on over the next two weeks. During the 2 weeks I am on injections, I am relatively home-bound. I need them daily, they must be kept cold and I will be doing follow-up bloodwork and ultrasounds every 2-3 days during the process, so traveling is really out of the question then. It makes me really sad to have to keep waiting, but its been 14 months since we first got pregnant, so at this point one more month won't break us.

A major decision we recently made was for me to resign from my job teaching. I am still in shock of the whole situation. When I was due in September, we had plans for me to stay home with the baby...especially considering that I could no longer wake up at 3:45am, drive 80 miles a day and take care of a baby simultaneously...nor would anyone hire me for a teaching job knowing I wouldn't be able to teach the first part of the school year. As of right now, if injections work on the first round, we wouldn't be due until May. I hate the idea of living on one income. Its already stressing me out, and I still receive paychecks through August. I like our comfortable living situation. The decision was made so I could focus on the health of myself and the pregnancy when we get down that road again. I'm high risk due to the miscarriages anyway, but if we were to add multiples to that, working wouldn't really be an option anyway. I am just going to do my Pampered Chef full time now. Which means I need to schedule some shows!!! Cooking shows allow me to work from home and I do a handful of shows a month. Its going to remove me from the stress of teaching a TAKS grade, sitting in traffic daily, and will allow me to focus on growing a baby (or babies). It is a new and scary road to me, but we can make it work...

sharp turns on the road of life...

I had so many wonderful things to post. I was waiting for a momentous reason to begin this post...a new picture of our baby. I wanted to show how much the baby had grown and pass along all of the wonderful stats associated with our pregnancy as we ended the first trimester.

I wanted to post my overwhelming joy at being chosen as Teacher of the Year for my school.

I wanted to send warm wishes to my mom, who received good news following her annual mammogram.

I wanted to congratulate my brother on passing all of his tests and making it through the past 6 months on his journey to become a police officer.

I wanted to share my excitement of becoming a Pampered Chef consultant...a business venture full of promise to help finance me becoming a stay-at-home mom in September.

We want a lot of out life.......and now........



My head spins. I can't figure out how to organize the tornado that blows through my mind...

Seventeen days ago, we went to the doctor for a routine prenatal check-up and ultrasound...the last one of the first trimester. We were scheduled to do genetic testing that day, upon our request because of spinal defects that run in Cooter's family. I was 11 weeks along and up to that point, had a picture-perfect pregnancy going on (if you can define anything in the first trimester as perfect...because you certainly don't FEEL that way!). Warning us that the ultrasound would take a little longer this time due to testing, I was alarmed when the tech suddenly wrapped it all up in just a few minutes time. During the ultrasound, I noticed her measuring the baby's length repeatedly and each time the screen indicated 9w0d. Shortly after, she left us alone in the room. I immediately looked at Cooter and told him something wasn't right. He went pale. Next thing I knew, they were ushering us into the doctor's office instead of going back to the exam room as we'd been previously told. I actually hadn't met this doctor yet. The nurse practitioner was present for the 8wk appointment and at 12wks (11wks for me) I would begin meeting with the OB. She opened the file and said that they couldn't locate the baby's heartbeat, and at this gestational time, we should have a heartbeat. I immediately wanted to argue with her. I said, "NO, we HAD a heartbeat at 7wks...the risk of losing the baby was so low now...what happened?" At that point I looked over at Cooter and watched his heart breaking. HIs head was down while he tried to regain composure. I realized then that I had to swallow my hysteria and maintain focus. I didn't want them to see me cry. I was able to get through the conversation enough to schedule a D&C two days later. In a five minute span of time, our lives completely fell apart and changed course...just like that.

I apologize for the disarray of my thoughts. Its hard to mentally outline what's left of the wreckage.

Monday, March 1 was our doctor's appointment. Nicole came over to hang out with us. It was a wonderful distraction and kept me from falling into that dark place of blame. I found myself more frustrated, confused, and angry (at who, I don't know). I didn't feel any different, I didn't look any different...nothing made sense to me.

Tuesday, March 2, Cooter and I both had pre-op appointments.

Wednesday, March 3, Cooter had knee surgery. Cooter's mom, Tricia came to keep me company while he was in surgery and stayed with us a few days. Everything went very well and he was back home by early afternoon. I had a huge Pampered Chef delivery that afternoon and busied myself in organizing all of the orders sitting in my dining room. I cooked dinner and dessert that night as well. Never having had any type of surgical procedure, it was best to keep my head full that day. I still wasn't ready to deal with what was to come tomorrow.

Thursday, March 4, I had my D&C. Mom came to take me to the hospital, and Cooter and Tricia joined her. Cooter got to come keep me company all through my pre-op, IV start, etc. and stayed with me until they wheeled me into the OR. My surgery went exactly to plan and I was home by that afternoon. Two prescriptions of Vicodin were filled at Walgreens in two days for us. Mom was joking that they would be watching us now.

The next week went on as if nothing had ever happened. Cooter was up and walking the day after surgery and was back at work Monday. However for me, going back to work was mentally and emotionally draining. I didn't realize how badly I still hurt inside until I had 2 hours a day to sit in the car all alone and let my head wander. Turns out, I am my own worst enemy. I have to think about it though, how can I not? That baby was part of my life for 3 months. I couldn't just pretend it never happened. Sitting at work, attempting to teach 17 kids was just not the time to deal. I have good days where I focus on the future. Good days where I know that our babies are angels up in heaven. They will never know pain and suffering in this world. Then, I have my bad days, where nothing seems to console me. I just need to be sad.

Today was a great day until I went to my post-op appointment. I've physically been great since surgery, so now on to the next step. I was given an information booklet and a doctor referral to the Houston Fertility Institute. I've had trouble dealing with that all day. Medically, recurrent miscarriages are usually defined as three in a row. Our doctor left it up to us to decide if we wanted to see a specialist. Emotionally, do we want to risk another miscarriage?...absolutely not! Now that the decision is upon me, I'm scared to death. We do not have an infertility problem. We can get pregnant, we just have to figure out how to stay that way. I'm so worried that more doctors and more tests will just add undue stress to an already tense situation. It was recommended that we not begin trying again until we meet with these new doctors. I just don't know why I am not wanting to grasp that...

Bottom line...there are not words to describe our appreciation for the support we've received from our friends and family. The cards, the food, the visits at the house...we couldn't have done it alone. We chose to tell the world about our expectant bundle of joy so early for that reason. No matter what the outcome, we chose to have the support of our loved ones. Please continue to pray for our strength and guidance as we journey down this new road of life. Allow us to be accepting of God's will, no matter what that may be...

blood results are EXCELLENT!

Happy Valentine's Day! Yesterday, 2/13 was a bittersweet day for us. That was our due date for baby #1. Being given the opportunity to be pregnant again made us count our blessings yet again. We realize God has a plan for us and everything happens for a reason. Although it is much easier to accept now than it was then.

I got a phone call Tuesday with the results of the first round of blood work done 2/1/2010. I was starting to get a little worried that I hadn't heard anything, but no news is also good news. That meant there wasn't something serious enough to contact me immediately. We went through almost 6 weeks of that with the last pregnancy. I lost count of how many viles of blood were piled up next to me that day, but its all worth it. I was cleared of any diseases (rubella, etc.) and do not have toxoplasmosis, which was a slight concern since I do have a cat. Cooter has sacrificed his hate for Grace and has been cleaning the litter box out for me. I cannot express how much I appreciate not having to me the baby in danger messing with kitty poop. Most importantly, my progesterone level (pregnancy hormone) was 31 which the nurse said was "EXCELLENT." That was music to my ears! I started doing a little research and chatting online with other preggo peeps, and the consensus was that anything over 20 is good. I'll take anything pregnancy related that is excellent!

We go back March 1. The baby has officially graduated from being an embryo and is now entering fetus-hood!

8 weeks and counting...

I have passed the 8 week mark, which means this baby has surpassed the last pregnancy! I am still so very cautious and nervous, but nothing has happened so far to cause me to think I'm not pregnant. I am starting the 9th week of my pregnancy now. I received my first email from What to Expect with information concerning the 9th week today and I got so excited I had to text Cooter and tell him. Each passing week just feels like a blessing from God, no matter how cruddy I feel all day. We have 2 weeks and 6 days until our next appointment. If I understood correctly, we'll be doing another ultrasound, and I will feel such relief to see a growing baby and increasing heartbeat. About 4.5 weeks left in the first trimester! Until I see my belly pop and start to feel this baby moving, I'm going to stay nervous. Keep the prayers coming and grow, baby grow!!!

I'm still unsure of my due date. Based on my last period, I am 8 weeks 1 day. Based on the doctor's given due date, I'm 8 weeks 3 days...so who knows!

Here's a cool ticker I found online. It compares the baby's growth each week to a piece of food. Just to put into perspective, last week it was as big as a blueberry and in a few days we'll graduate from raspberry to olive sized!

heartbeat...

We had our first prenatal appointment today. Its funny...ever since I got 4 positive tests in a row and scheduled my appointment, I've been counting down the days until the ultrasound. Suddenly today, I found myself more nervous than excited. Last summer we found out our little guy had become an angel at our first ultrasound, when they couldn't locate a heartbeat. Seeing that baby blob and the flicker of its little heart was such reassurance for us. The odds of miscarriage have been reduced drastically. All the way to work today (in between forced bites of toast to keep me from getting sick...ugh), I'd tear up at the thought of seeing that heartbeat (stupid hormones). Cooter saw it before me and when I looked up, I couldn't quit smiling. I've already looked at the pictures like 10 times since we've been home! Lol... We had such a wonderful experience at the doctor's office too...I'm very pleased with the new practice!

The stats...

The ultrasound tech measured the baby to be 6 weeks 5 days, which is about 2 days earlier than I estimated. Based on my dates, I calculated a September 21 due date, but the nurse gave me an estimated due date of September 19. The baby's heart was beating at a good 116 beats per minute, which is on target for its measurements.

We are beaming right now. There are not words to describe how thankful and blessed we feel to have been given such an amazing gift and to know we've made it this far. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we journey through the first trimester. My next appointment is March 1st. I'll be almost 11 weeks then.

Oh baby...

Thoughts and prayers are greatly needed...we're pregnant again!

We found out that we were pregnant again on January 14, which happens to be Melissa's birthday! We slipped the word to our families and neighbors right away. Despite the outcome of the last pregnancy, we couldn't wait to tell everyone we love. We are just so thankful and excited to be back to this point again.

Everything is going well so far. I am full of symptoms and sick from time to time, but nothing too bad. Most notably is my lack of energy. I am so tired all the time! We have our first appointment February 1. I'll be 7 weeks exactly the day of the appointment, but the doctor considers that beginning the 8th week of my pregnancy. I'm really hoping for an early ultrasound. The loss of our first baby was confirmed at our first prenatal ultrasound at 7wks, 6 days. Understandably I just want to get through these next few weeks and see a beating heart. So far, so good though.

I'll keep posting updates...now that I have something more interesting to blog about! Please keep us in your prayers as we make it though the first trimester.